Tales of the NextDoor Loony
by Fuhyo
Summary: Roy likes Ed, but Ed thinks he nuts. Watch as Roy's ingenious plan to capture the blonds heart unfolds.  *Yaoi Fluff*


**Hey there,**

**Here's another fic that my sister harassed me to make even though I just started another one.**

**Okay so this is hopefully going to be funny, but don't yell if it's not.**

**Anyway, **

**enjoy.**

**Ages:**

**Edward:16 (An immature 16 year-old)**

**Alphonse:14**

**Mustang:21**

**I know the ages are wrong but they have to be like this to work.**

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><p>.:~:.<p>

"What do you mean he's off his rocker Al, he was never on his rocker!" Edward explained in an incredulous tone.

"Brother, that wasn't very nice I'm sure he's somewhat sane-." Alphonse replied in a quiet voice that Edward pretty much ignored.

"Anyway, this is going to be the best prank ever!" Ed giggled evilly, a catty grin in place and little devil horns sprouting.

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><p>"Arrrrg Mister Squeakers, me matey! Time for your royal pedicure!." Mustang spouted, looking longingly at his parrot.<p>

**'My name is Envy you Idiot!-Squawk! Now give me a cracker!**' The parrot yelled indignantly.

"Now now Mister Squeakers, we don't have any crackers, we only have Saltines." Mustang said condescendingly.

**'They're the same thing you ignoramus'** Envy grumbled back.

"Yeah, so anyway, Al and I were wondering what what kind of nail polish Envy- I mean Mr. Squeakers wants." Ed said interrupting the argument between the eye-patched colonel and the indignant Envy.

**'I want red, it looks so much like blood!'** The parrot squeaked, a sadistic twinkle in his beady eye.

"Mr. Squeakers wants pink-."

**'What I said I wanted red you $#!-'**

"Okay pink it is." Ed interrupted. "So you can go hangout wherever you want and come back in an hour, we'll have Env- I mean Mr. Squeakers beautifully *ahem * painted by the time you get back." Mustang nodded and rose out of his throne-like chair and walked towards the door. When he was about to reach for the door-knob he looked back with a stupid grin and said:

"By the way boys, it be Patchy's birthday today~!"

Edward and Al shared a look.

"Um, who is 'Patchy'?" Al said shyly.

"I be Patchy!" Captain Crazy said giddily.

"No, your name is Roy Mustang." Ed said firmly, holding back a giggle.

"No, I be Patchey, Captain Patchy to you." With that Roy- I mean Patchy swung open the door with an unnecessary flair, and a flick of his cape-yes, his cape- and left.

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><p>After he was gone a quiet tone replied to his brother.<p>

"I think your right brother, this guy is nuts, and really, really loony."

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><p>After an hour Roy came prancing back in, oddly dressed in a pink frilly apron his hay pinned up in barrettes and a tiny pony tail on the back of his head. He walked into the entry-way and looked towards Ed.<p>

"Ed, darling, where is my precious Envy." He asked, his voice several decibels higher, and his eyelashes flickering wantonly against his checks, that now had a layer of blush on them.

"Why aren't you talking like a pirate Patchy?" Ed asked impatiently.

"Patchy? Who is Patchy Eddy-kun? I'm Jo The Average Housewife." Said the feminized Roy.

"O-okay, Jo-" Al got cut off.

"It's Jo The Average Housewife, Al sweat-hart. Now, where is my precious Envy?"

"Right here!" Ed said loudly, flipping off the cover to the cage the re-vamped Envy was in.

A few seconds passed by as Roy- I mean Jo The Average Housewife stared at Envy, and then he screamed loudly, in a high pitched voice that would do a 5-year-old girl shame.

"My baby! Oh. What did they do to you my precious! Your brown! Ewwwwww!" It was then that Roy started to shake uncontrollably and fell to the ground convulsing viciously in what has now progressed to a seizure.

The boys in a panic grabbed Roy's flower-painted home phone and called the ambulance as quick as they could, not noticing the smirk on his face.

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><p>Hours later they boys were situated around the hospital bed, Roy's lawyer had showed up ten minutes ago and told them that their asses were going to court. She was definitely a force to be reckoned with and the boys swore to themselves to never piss off Mrs. Hawkeye again.<p>

Sadly they would see her and Mustang again, in court, next week.

Fuck.

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><p><strong>Weird right?<strong>

**Any questions just say so.**

**Alou**


End file.
